An Irreverent Story of Why It’s Always the Woman’s Fault

And God said to Adam and Eve, “you can enjoy and eat anything in the Garden. Just don’t go near that tree. Don’t touch that apple. And definitely DON’T pluck it and eat it!”

Like a good God fearing parent, God gave them a clear injunction, without any explanation. Adam and Eve who are the absolute ancestors of all rebellious teenagers today, nodded and a look passed between them. Shall we come back when God’s not looking?

A few hours, or a few days later… We know it can’t be that long because the apple was still ripe and hadn’t fallen from the tree… Eve casually meandered past the tree humming the Lemon Tree song because she couldn’t get it out of her head, and well, there’s no Apple Tree song. We have no idea where Adam was because the Bible doesn’t mention this bit and it’s not central to the plot. We need to focus on Eve right now because…. It’s All About Eve. He was probably asleep. To his folly.

“Well, well, well, who have we here?” we hear a villainous whisper and imagine the speaker rubbing his hands in glee, except he has no hands as he is a snake. Or the slightly more glorious and villainous… Serpent.

Now this is the part of the story that puzzles me… as a “daughter of Eve”, and I’m painfully aware that I’m stereotyping here, is that when a woman sees a snake, the last thing she does is walk up to it, let alone talk to it.

But Eve is far more emancipated than I am. She did not scream, “Adam, get off your lazy butt and save me!” or dial 999 for Emergency Services (big shout out to Malaysian Bomba (Firefighters) who have rescued me from snakes several times).

No, Eve is empowered and believes that we should not discriminate between God’s creatures great and small. So she approached the serpent in the same way you would approach a fluffy little kitten that rolls over begging for a belly rub. Because… equality.

“Hullo,” said Eve, eyeing the serpent, and the DON’T EAT ME apple.

“Helloooo” hissed the serpent, circling slowly round Eve and the apple.

At this point I imagine Kaa from The Jungle Book hypnotising Mowgli and singing Trust In Me. It is a far better song than Lemon Tree so I can see why Eve begins to sway.

If you have never touched an apple in your life, you can see why it would appeal so much more than other devices, oops, fruits. Hang on, there are far more tastier fruits than apples but that’s not the point. A forbidden fruit is so much more tantalising.

Our emancipated Eve said to the serpent, “God told us not to eat the apple.”

“Sure,” said the serpent, “but if you eat it, this apple will show you what good and evil is, like God.”

Now this was a compelling argument. Eve didn’t want to remain an ignoramus, and how would you tell the difference between fake news and the truth, so that you could make the right voting decision? She knew that one day, her kind – black women – would have the vote, so it was important to be educated early.

Eve took the fruit and bit into it. It was lovely and juicy. Eve, setting the trait for generations of women to come, knew that she should not have this delicious fruit all to herself. She wanted to share it with Adam. Eve went skipping off joyfully to where he was sleeping in the sun, his mouth belting out snores.

Eve held the forbidden fruit to his nose. Adam open his eyes and sat up in a panic.

“What, what were you thinking? You’ll get us into trouble!”

“It’s yummy Adam.”

“But God will be angry!”

“What, our loving and kind creator?”

“She told us we could eat anything other than the fruit of the tree of good and evil.”

“You mean the apple?”

“The app..” it was hard for Adam to utter the word.

Eve stared at her companion. Such a simple minded soul. How could she tell him that she now had the knowledge of good and evil. That she knew the difference between fact and opinion. Speculation and verified truth. Science and myth. That data on its own was meaningless unless carefully analysed, reflected upon and put in a narrative to persuade. That narratives were often bias anyway. That their descendants would take this very story and turn it into a huge guilt scam to control the masses.

Eve shrugged, “I’ll finish it if you don’t want it,” and opened her mouth.

Adam grabbed the apple from her hand. No way was she tasting something he didn’t have.

Adam bit into the apple.

KERUNCH!

GOD Appeared!

Because… God’s appearances must be dramatic. Besides, matches hadn’t yet been invented to burn any bushes.

“Adammm!” said God in the voice I use when my cat has jumped on the dining table and pulled off the steak.

Adam realised he had to get rid of the evidence and popped the rest of the apple into his mouth because he had no pockets.

“Did you eat the forbidden fruit?”

Adam started coughing. The apple had gotten stuck in his throat.

“Did you eat the forbidden fruit?!”

A multitude of fears ran through Adam’s head. What would God do to him and how was he going to mitigate the personal damage to himself?

He pointed his finger at Eve.

“She made me do it.”

And that Ladies and Gentlemen, is why women are to blame whenever a man does something wrong.`

This post was previously published on Linkedin and is republished here with permission from the author.

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