When Depression Attacks

Putting to words the transformation I’ve experienced during the first half of this year, 2019, is proving to be challenging. To say it’s been an intense experience would be an extremely misfortunate understatement.

When I moved out of my ex’s house a year ago, it was literally to save myself from the darkest days of my life.

Honestly, it had very little to do with my daughter’s dad. He was doing everything he knew to do, to keep me around.

My mind was poisoned with trauma, past addictions, & resentments for EVERYONE in all directions.

I was living in my own personal hell, unable to shake the memories that came flooding in every day to torment me while I played with my baby girl, & worked to create a business. Moments that from the outside looking in, looked perfect, ideal – but from the inside looking out, felt like a prison cell.

My soul desperately needed solitude.

Space to heal. To breathe.

So I left.

And for the most part the darkness went away! I got to experience life on my own again. I tasted liberation.

I climbed my way out of it, and while sometimes I would look back, down the at negative abyss behind me — I felt like I had overcome that stage in my life.

Recently, the darkness returned.

It had been a year since I had experienced this level of shadow.

I started drinking more to cope. Smoked more weed. Ate like shit. Stopped working out.

I allowed negative thoughts to exist in my mind, & sometimes I even perpetuated them out of fear & anguish for being back in this place.

Basically started acting like I was back at fucking phase 1 of this journey.

Like I had forgotten everything I had learned about how to process this stuff, correctly.

& the darkness got darker. Thicker.

Until one day, I felt an internal pull from a much higher version of myself. A dialogue.  A small white light.

WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING COURTNEY. The Universe didn’t give you this GIFT — your life — everything you have had the ability to create & the lifestyle that was MEANT for you specifically – so that you could sit around on your ass, get fucked up every chance you get, & ignore the things in your life that need your energy & attention.”

(To be clear, I mean business & self care – my daughter Charlie is the one constant that gets ALL of my effort & attention, & has been my one single positive in an ocean of negative frequency… but if you know me, you know that.)

SO LET ME ASK YOU AGAIN COURT. What are you doing right now?”

I could feel the urgency in this question so hard, it threw me into a near panic.

My next moves would be a major determining factor in how my future plays out.

I decided one day, to clean. Clean everything. Fix this mess.

I found spiritual practices & personal rituals that helped me through my darkest moments, and coaxed me gently toward peace.

I started journaling my way through it. At first I was scribbling non-sense, but it eventually turned into healing productive, structured writing.

(It also helped me to remove an ANCIENT writers block that I had previously been struggling with for 2 years)

What happened next, was probably the hardest part of climbing out of that mess – I realized I have A LOT of people I need to forgive. Situations that need to be let go of once & for all. Resentments that need to be buried.

So I asked for it. I prayed for it. I meditated on it. I visualized it. & I continued to work toward it every single day.

 (check out my favorite ancient Hawaiian technique: ho’oponopono).

What do you know, the Universe provided me with TONS of situations that triggered me to remember the specific situations I was still holding on to. Every single person was reminding me of something that had bothered me once, & I spent a lot of time in frustration that I was surrounded by all this past bullshit – & then I remembered.

I asked for this.

This is how I let the negative resentments go. I react the right way this time. I process the emotions & energy coming from this situation. I don’t let it fester, I FEEL. I communicate. I allow them in. & I in turn, consider them & their perspective.

For me, that was forgiveness.

The next step, was my physical health.

Excessive drinking, awful food choices, lazy tendencies, & poor content choices had to GO.

I started filling my body & mind with nourishment.

I got back into the gym.

I put HEAVY focus into what & how much food I’m eating. (I have to put ENERGY into making sure I eat enough. Another subconscious thing we can talk about another time.)

I decided on activities I would do when I was triggered to drink, or take a step backwards in any way.

I got back in touch with Nature.

I started creating again.

Ladies & gentleman, while I am not a finished product by any means, I certainly am feeling back on track. I’m feeling the intensely high frequencies that our Universe is providing us with right now & rather than drowning, I’m f***ing SWIMMING in them.

I’ll never stop having gratitude for that ability.

Previously published on Zippy Content

Photo: IStock